If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
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