you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
