And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
