How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
