tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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