im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
