if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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