insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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