i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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