My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
