I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
