I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
