My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
