I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
