guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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