farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
