maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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