i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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