can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
