His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
