somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
