Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
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