OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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