Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
