After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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