I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
