I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
