She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
