I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
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