we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
