Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
