Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
