by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
