i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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