I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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