I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
