he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
