Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
