doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
