I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
