moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
