Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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