we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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