I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
