I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
