Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
