I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
