Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
