Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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