Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
