Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
