I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
